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WIP The Perfect Prison by Uzunami669 - M

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Uzunami669, Aug 29, 2017.

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1.1111099720001/5, 9 votes
  1. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 Second Year

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    Aug 29, 2017 #1
    Title: The Perfect Prison
    Author: Uzunami669
    Rating: M
    Genre: Romance
    Status: WIP
    Library Category: Smut
    Pairings: Harry/many
    Summary: Lord Voldemort comes to the staggering conclusion that to live forever he doesn't need to kill Harry Potter, he just needs to circumnavigate the prophecy. He does exactly that. Building a prison that is teeming with lusting females, he locks the boy who lived inside, and throws away the key.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12624621/1/The-Perfect-Prison
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2017
  2. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Aug 29, 2017 #2
    This probably isn't the worst thing that's ever popped up on this board, but it's definitely on a fairly inclusive list.

    You made it 10 posts on this board before throwing up a 5k word PWP smut story (and a shit one, at that), of your own making, on a board that is used to determine whether a story is good enough to be included in what this community considers to be the top-tier of fanfiction. Way to feel the pulse of DLP, sir.

    1/5, because lower isn't an option.
     
    Archinist, Jester, Uzunami669
  3. Zombie

    Zombie Black Philip Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐

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    Aug 29, 2017 #3
    Browser spazzed out, and someone posted before it could merge. My bad.
    Bah fuck. Its all fuckered now.
    I'm not typing this shit again.

    It's a terrible story was what I said before I deleted myself, please post in WbA before posting for review. You have 16 fics, and none of them are library worthy.

    1/5. A train wreck of setting, plot, and execution. On top of shitty, unimaginative smut.
     
  4. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 Second Year

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    Aug 29, 2017 #4
    @Johnnyseattle- I laughed at your response, thank you at least for being critically honest, I appreciate it greatly!
     
  5. Halt

    Halt 1/3 of the Note Bros. Moderator

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    Aug 29, 2017 #5
    Uh...that's not a pairing? It usually involves more than one person, and the only way this makes sense to me is if it's Harry/his hand.

    Edit: It's Harry/Multi.

    Bad story, not very interesting. The difference between bad smut and good smut is understanding that it's not about how you describe the sex, but the buildup of tension which makes the reader go "just fuck already" while reading.
     
  6. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 Second Year

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    Aug 29, 2017 #6
    Thanks for the input @Holt!
     
  7. Sey

    Sey Not Worth the Notice DLP Supporter

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    Aug 29, 2017 #7
    Yeah Holt, @Halt
     
    Archinist
  8. morningbeauvoir

    morningbeauvoir First Year

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    Sep 1, 2017 #8
    Beyond what others have said, I want you to know that tilde should never be used as a speech mark. What are Harry and Voldemort even doing there, telepathy? Also your perspective changes from Harry to Ginny right at the end there for no apparent reason.

    It wasn't even good porn.

    1/5
     
  9. Skeletaure

    Skeletaure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Sep 3, 2017 #9
    As smut fics go, the premise here isn't too bad. It's moderately original and is quite efficient at getting to the point. However the execution leaves much to be desired. All of the sex feels incredibly generic, rather like watching some random Brazzers video. Just going through the motions.

    This is fundamentally about characterisation. Like many smut fics, the partners you give to Harry do not really feel like people. You could replace Ginny's name, change her hair colour, and the rest of the scene could remain exactly the same. Too many Harry/multi smut writers just write the same sex scenes again and again with different names and hair colours.

    If you want to make the smut interesting you have to make it feel distinct and with enough realism to engage the reader. Ultimately that comes down to having Harry's partners act like their recognisable canon selves, albeit how their canon selves would act in a pornographic fantasy version of reality. Take a look at "It Could Only Happen To Harry" for an example of how this is done.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2017
  10. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 Second Year

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    Sep 3, 2017 #10
    Thank you @Taure for the feedback! I'll endeavour to add the necessary corrections.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2017
  11. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw DLP Overlord Admin DLP Supporter

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    Sep 5, 2017 #11
    I think this has run its course. @Uzunami669, you are welcome to post your work to Mature Work by Author forum. It will be strongly critiqued and your writing will improve for it. However, this story is destined for the Trash Bin, it doesn't make the mark even for the Almost Recommended forum, sorry about that.

    As @Johnnyseattle said, you've missed the pulse of DLP, but I do appreciate that you posted your work -- that isn't always easy. I hope to see you in Work by Author improving your work. I would recommend also digging deep into DLP's culture. :)
     
    Archinist, moonpotato, Plotless, Sey
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