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WIP AntiHyphen by The Gray Maze - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by ffchen, Mar 16, 2012.

3.808219909668/5, 73 votes
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  1. Jormungandr

    Jormungandr Prisoner

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    Mar 18, 2012 #21
    I love Lily's characterization, here; it speaks of a woman who has hardened herself, in order to protect her family.
     
  2. Selethe

    Selethe normalphobe ⭐

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    Mar 19, 2012 #22
    Eh, to me it seems like Lily's always been sort of dark.

    I like the story so far, but I'm not hooked yet. I'll be reading the next update though.
     
  3. Jormungandr

    Jormungandr Prisoner

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    Mar 19, 2012 #23
    Dark!Lily...huh, sounds hot.
     
    Parac, Shouldabeenadog, oakes
  4. oakes

    oakes Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    Mar 19, 2012 #24
    My thoughts exactly.
     
  5. Kinser

    Kinser Fourth Year

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    Mar 19, 2012 #25
    So far, I've got to say while it isn't terrible, it is is just kinda blah. Maybe I'm going soft...but I'm giving this a 3/5 for now. It doesn't piss me off, and it may indeed turn out to be something special...but it could also go down hill. I await further updates before making a final judgement.

    I must make a comment though that the whole Gryffin as the Gryffindor crest ticks me off and giving Zabini hazel eyes when there is no need to deviate from canon on such a minute and immaterial detail as this is apparently not going to be H/Zabini slash (not that I would necessarily oppose that, I like WELL WRITTEN slash as guilty pleasure of mine). Over all because of those errors which are clearly not necessary plot deviations it is not eligible for a 5/5.

    Also Snape giving the same speech every time is boring...so its unlikely to get a 4.5/5 either. It is potentially library worthy if the author doesn't fuck up though.
     
  6. Alindrome

    Alindrome A bigger, darker mark DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Mar 19, 2012 #26
    Oh no. How dare the writer get the canon eye colour of a superfluous character wrong?
     
    Nuit
  7. Another Empty Frame

    Another Empty Frame Fake Flamingo DLP Supporter

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    Mar 20, 2012 #27
    I love minutiae, but I didn't know about Zabini's Eye color, but... he's black so it's very likely he would have some shade of brown eyes isn't it?
     
    Cxjenious, Kinser
  8. Kinser

    Kinser Fourth Year

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    Mar 20, 2012 #28
    I have to find some excuse to mark it down you know...I wouldn't be a proper critic if I didn't.;) I try really hard to not just give a story a 4/5 or a 5/5. It has to be something special. The Dark!Lily compoent might push it over the top....but I'm still waiting to see where this leads.

    Over all, I can say though that this has great potential to be something special if the author does not abandon it. I'm thinking it might be good in spite of the fact that most twin!Potter stories are drek. I can think of a story arch that is such an exception and it even contains D/H slash as a subtle but main component of the plot, even though such a statement is liable to make me a DLP heretic--but slash if it is well written does have a certain appeal to a gay guy like myself.

    But yes in canon Zabini is black so it is natural to assume that his eye color would not be hazel, and I've yet to see a plot necessity for manipulating the minutiae of physical description.

    Essentially I'm looking for an excuse to not give it a high mark because--well I'm a perfectionist ass and--I feel that if I do not try to spot every flaw, I will give high marks to a fic that is unworthy of our library.

    After reading all the way to chapter 7, yes it took me this long...I've been being distracted all day, I can increase my rating to a 4/5. Its yet to really wow me, but I think its because the mystery of the story here isn't Harry, it isn't the Twin but Lily.
     
  9. Cxjenious

    Cxjenious Dark Lord

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    Mar 20, 2012 #29
    How could anyone realistically give this a 4/5? It's so...elementary. The writing, the flow...very mediocre.

    2/5.
     
  10. Kinser

    Kinser Fourth Year

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    Mar 21, 2012 #30
    Perhaps the simplicity is its charm. Its definitely gotten my attention at any rate and it doesn't seem to be drek yet.

    Of course, so far only 7 chapters so it can go down hill really quickly.
     
  11. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran No. 4 Admin

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    Mar 23, 2012 #31
    This. I don't know what you have been reading, Cxjenious. It can't be the same thing I am. But I'd like to say first that I've only read up to the end of chapter four so far.

    Like Alex said, it's simple nature is it's charm. Rowling was fairly simple in her application herself and I felt this author has been pretty true to canon in both writing style - simplicity if nothing else; not saying it's Rowling-like in any other way - and in the way the world is working so far.

    Things have changed, but not stupidly so. The author is doing well in working with what canon gave us and expanding on it nicely. I honestly think this is the best sibling-BWL story I've read - period; so far, at least. Most are utter shit in that genre, but even still. It has avoided all the major cliches very well.

    Harry is very likable. He reminds me a lot of Slughorn, actually. His sister isn't to bad, either, but I enjoy reading about Harry more. In saying that, it's refreshing to see that his sibling isn't some jerkass.

    It's Harry's interaction with other people that reminds me of Slughorn. Collecting, I think his sister said. Spot on. Very enjoyable to see.

    It's an interesting take on Lily. She's like a completely different person. I actually feel a bit sorry for Snape - hah! - and I really want to see where the author is taking this.

    Hermione is different, but it's easy to see why. Even still, I think she is a little too timid. While she didn't have a warm person like Harry in canon to foster a friendship with, she still has someone she hangs out with - something she didn't actually have in canon until after the troll.

    Other than that, the only other thing that annoyed me was Dumbledore. The scene with him and McGonagall was fine, he seemed very Dumbledore-ish. What I hated was how he sent McGonagall to ask about their home life. It was so blatant and stupid, I was surprised at it suddenly rearing its ugly face. What the hell, author?

    He would be a lot more subtle than that, and if he were to ask such a question outright, he would do it himself. That part just really struck me as wrong.

    Another thing I'm not sure about is this whole twins-bond thing. So many stories have been ruined because of something like that. That said, if he can feel her pain - even lessened - from such things as falling over and whatever, what the hell would the curse-scar and Horcrux do to him across their 'bond'. That's a bit deeper than a broken rib.

    Now, I'm going to read the rest and hope it doesn't turn to shit.

    Edit: Lily is rather annoying. Not sure what it is about her, but I wish someone would punch her in the face. I don't know, but she is giving off mary-sue vibes - if only a little bit. When she charged into Dumbledore's office at three in the morning... I was really hoping he would throw her out the window.

    She is still interesting, despite her flaws.

    Harry being friends with the Weasley twins. Happens in most of these stories. It normally annoys the shit out of me, but I thought the author handled their interaction pretty good. The twins are also a bit different than how they are normally shown, willing to get cozy with Harry and realizing the potential of such a friendship. I especially liked the part where they took Fluffy for a walk. Very amusing.

    That's something the author does well. The humor in with the serious. That is something Rowling herself excelled at in the early books, the small quirks in magic and little things Harry would say or do that would bring a smile to your face.

    Good story.
     
    Dark Minion, Andro, Alindrome, Nuit, oakes
  12. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Mar 24, 2012 #32
    I like this story now. The writing started off very elementary, but by chapter four it was strong. Improved to the point it was close to JKR's style, as noted.

    The reveal of Lily's influence on her children really brought this story up a few notches, and showed what this author is capable of. Suddenly, the unique and interesting personalities of Harry and Mell gain a new light. It's not like the author arbitrarily found a few novel traits together like I first thought, but the Potter children are the product of an actual upbringing that happened, in-story. Little touches like Lily not writing back to keep her mysteriousness intact make sense now.

    Some real skill here.

    The beginning is still weak, but I'm doing my best to be positive and not let it color my opinion of the fic going forward. It was just so business-like - there wasn't any wonder from Harry or Mell, Hogwarts was like the boring brick school we went to in real life. But the author upped his game and really showed what he can do, and I'm looking forward to what's happening next.

    4/5.
     
  13. mercuryandglass

    mercuryandglass Third Year

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    Mar 25, 2012 #33
    Wow... One chapter and, already, I'm hooked. Is there some compulsion charm on the title or something? Although I guess I'll need to finish it before actually critiquing it.
     
  14. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran No. 4 Admin

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    Apr 26, 2012 #34
    Pretty solid update. Author was able to make me read a quidditch game and not get bored.

    Anyone else think Moon is just adorably cute in her actions? When she went out of her way to curtsey for Harry's sister, I was just like d'aww. What the hell. :)

    Good scene with Harry meeting Quirrel in the restricted section and then an even better follow-up scene with Dumbledore. Dumbledore felt like he had lept straight out of the books. Author did well here.

    Also, according to authors note, they have re-written a few earlier scenes and touched up a few others. I'll have to go back and read them.
     
    wolf550e
  15. Drake

    Drake Seventh Year

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    Apr 28, 2012 #35
    When did Harry look into the mirror before? Did they ever include this in the previous chapters or was that just something that happened off screen?
     
  16. gbbz

    gbbz Professor

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    Apr 28, 2012 #36
    In chapter 6 Scouting Erised which has been renamed (or always was that way and I just didn't notice) for some reason as "Scouting Serised".

    Harry was Headmaster of Hogwarts
     
  17. Nuit

    Nuit Dark Lord

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    May 22, 2012 #37
  18. Crash

    Crash Fifth Year

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    Mar 11, 2015 #38
    I've quite enjoyed this fic and was especially interested by what Harry saw in the Mirror of Erised. I look forward to seeing what time frame the story will play out along and what, if any, overarching plots develop.

    Btw, it's updated since the last check, for the unaware. There are now 13 chapters.
     
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